"Are You There, God? It's Me, Pam"

Don't be fooled by the title, there's no religious content in this posting at all.

So, it's been awhile since I've posted. It seems I've been lost in a haze for oh, about half of a year. I think I've recently awoke and things look all bright and shiny.

It's approaching that crazy time of year. Or more appropriately, that crazy time of year has arrived and is kicking my behind. You know what I'm talking about. The kids have sports or activities every day of the week except Sunday. There are college sporting events every weekend. There are house jobs just screaming to get done. And the holidays have snuck up on us once again.

Between our normal 'everyday' routine and the special events due to the Big Three, we are packed. We have a turkey trip to Virginia coming up, Christmas with all it's shopping, planning, decorating, and cleaning is going to be upon me before I'm ready. And for New Year's...can't I just get drunk early, like now, and forget all the rest of the stuff?

Through the hurried shopping and list making, I do remember that this year has come, and is going. I have spent time with my loved ones and lost my weight. I got a tattoo. I've read a few books. I've hugged my kids a few time and written some letters. It might not have been my best year, but it's certainly hasn't been the worst. I'm looking forward to what next year holds. However, I fully realize even though I see it coming, it will probably sneak up on me as well.

Moral of the story: It's been awhile since I've blogged. I'm looking forward to getting back to it.

"The New Tattoos"

And no, I'm not talking about midgets. Luke and I got our new tattoos and wanted to share them with everyone. These were the rewards for our weight-loss. I've lost 15 pounds and Luke has lost 42 pounds. We're still on our healthy-workout train and plan on staying buff to our tats won't distort. Anyway, many thanks to Irish at Saints and Scholars tattoos, who put up with us and did some really terrific custom work.

Luke's starts on his hip and moves down his thigh....




Mine is on my back and has a ying/yang symbol, a cursive "L", an Aries symbol, and a bass clef sign. Kind of like and Eye Spy game....

"And This Year's Dedication Goes To..."

So, every year at the kid's big end-of-the-year school party I make a dedication. It may seem silly to some, but it makes me happy to think of specific special people on this very wonderful, family-filled day. So who will it be this year?

As I go through this very tough year in my mind, I find I not only can't settle on someone, but I feel I am unable to do this "live" at the party. I think it would just hurt too much. So, here are my dedications.

To my mom, who is so fortunate to be called a 'cancer survivor'. Her story is not yet complete, but we are being hopefully optimistic. She was always a stoic pillar of strength while we were growing up. And while you don't always appreciate this when you are a teenager, it made this whole experience not quite as yucky. She has had a positive outlook, and will continue to stay positive. Because of this, I pick you, Mom.

But I also pick my sister. A few years ago she took a trip on the crazy canoe. We can joke about it because she came back to us. Not only is she my best confidante and dessert sharer, she is my friend. She has found a better place to be, and because of that she is a better person. Because of what she went through, she calls me to make sure I'm not taking the same trip she did. We are touchstones for each other, even if we don't actually get to touch! I love her more today than I did yesterday. She makes me feel better about myself. Because of this, I pick you, Valerie.

And yet, still more. This one I abhor, but to not mention Chuck would be criminal. He was my friend. He laughed at me and he laughed with me. He was a great 'balancer' among us. He was great at calming the crazy waters. He sat with me and made fun of people's outfits while our better halves rode crazy coaster rides we weren't interested in. When he barely knew me, he brought news of Luke's car accident all those years ago, and sat with me and baby Rachel so I didn't lose it. He was a genuinely good guy and there is not a day that goes by that I don't see the hole his passing has made and hate it intensely. His tragedy brought out reserves of strength I never knew I had. Because of this, I pick you, Chuck.

And then there is Melissa. My friend has walked through the fires of hell and back, barefoot, with no water to be found. And yet, she still walks. She still gets up every day and tries; for herself and for her children. She didn't sign up for this, she didn't ask for this, and she didn't deserve this. And even so she is finding her way with grace and patience. I have held her up in her darkest hour, and have been behind her ever since. It's been hard to back away and let her get on with the business of living, but she hasn't fallen yet. It's easy for us to say what 'we' would do, hypothetically of course. The reality is miles away from the 'what-if' in your head. She is living, she is not crazy, and she is getting better every day. Because of this, I pick you, Melissa.

And finally, I must mention my furry friend and companion, Maia. I had known her for longer than Luke and I have been married. She terrorized me when she was little, and brought me great joy when I was sad. I loved her soft white tummy and her beautiful green eyes. I liked that you could count on her to hold a grudge. She loved smelly men, apple newton cookies, and clothes on the floor, and not in that particular order. In her geriatric years she taught me what it was to love a thing that was helpless to stop being old and infirm. The ravages of old age are an unlovely thing for such a creature as this. In the end, she taught me that it's okay to let go and say goodbye. You don't have to like it, you just have to do it. Because of this, I pick you, Maia.

And so end the dedications. My eyes hurt from all the tears, but to not do this would go against a force of nature. My love to all of you.

Moral of the story: Some years are hard. Give them their due, then move on.

"It's Me?"

So, what happens when the person you are disappointed in is you?

You know what I'm talking about. We started this year with such high hopes, well, at least I did. And I still have them; they're just a little stomped on right now. This was the year I would make a change and it would stick. This was the year I would stick with an exercise program. This was the year that I would get healthy and stay healthy.

Well, that's how it was SUPPOSED to work, anyway. Here's the reality. I have been more ill in the last six months than the last 3 years combined. Every time my exercise program gets going great guns and I start eating the way a healthy adult should, I come down with some yucky respiratory thing. And of course, I'm not sick enough for meds, I'm just sick enough to feel like crap, not want to eat anything but comforting carbs, and if I even think about exercising I would hack up a lung.

It just seems I'm not cut out for a long term commitment in this facet of my life. I have food issues. I have learned to ask myself before I eat. What am I feeling right now? Am I tired? Bored? Angry? Upset? This is a strategy you are supposed to use to help curb emotional eating. Yea, right. Yes, I'm tired. It's 11:30 at night and I have the Doritos bag in my hand. I should go to bed and get some sleep, but instead, I'm going to eat some junk food. I have found that I'm really good at identifying how I'm feeling. I'm just not so good at translating that into not eating some crappy thing that's in the pantry.

As far as my regular eating habits, they vary. It depends on how I'm feeling. Is it that time of month? Am I sick? Are the kids eating pizza? Yes, I have a salad in the fridge. Yes, I know Luke likes his and has stuck with it and looks fantastic. However, sometimes I just don't want fruits or veggies. Sometimes I want cheese popcorn, a chocolate covered granola bar, a handful of mixed fruit, and a soda with sucrose. Unfortunately, this happens more than I'd like.

And as for the exercise? I have to admit I actually like it. It's fun and I like endorphins. The problem is, I don't exercise when I'm sick. I don't/can't exercise when I'm not at home. I take days off for dentist/vet/doctor/emergency days. I take days off when our treadmill breaks. And I've discovered I can talk myself into doing great things in my head, like say, adding more weight or running farther or adding an extra day. The reality of the situation doesn't match the fantasy in my mind. I'm not willing to truly bust my behind for results.

So, I have fallen down this week. I am disappointed in myself. I skipped exercise days, I snacked way too much, and I didn't eat salad all week. In fact, I made pancakes and sausage one morning. This is not the example I want to set for my kids. I don't want to be the fat girl next to the skinny hot guy. I really DO want to work on being healthier. I just didn't want it that bad this week. That's all I'm saying.

Moral of the story: When you fall down, get back up. When you eat leftover Girl scout cookies and BBQ chips, eat more fruits and veggies next week. Falter, but don't fail.

"Electronics, Schmonics"

So, you would think since my husband has a job in the industry we'd be real big on gadgets. You'd be wrong.

We have cell phones. We use them to talk with, like regular old-timey phones. We don't surf the web, text, or do any of that. And while we have used these phones to take pictures in an emergency, I mean, sometimes you just have to have a picture of it, it's not something we do on a regular basis. We don't even know how to get the pictures off of the phones.

And yes, we have cable TV now. Not Tivo or that recordable kind. Just plain old-timey cable. We hardly watch it anymore, either. The 'shiny' has been rubbed off of it.

We have a portable DVD player for the car. It's for long trip only, and it too is the old-timey kind. It doesn't hang from the seat, have wireless speakers, and it isn't a built-in. It just plays movies.

And the kids have Nintendo DS players. They are only allowed to use these for an allotted time each day. These aren't the new-fangled DSi's that are little mini-computers that do everything a phone does but make phone calls. It's the old-timey version that just plays games.

And I have decided, after observing people, that these gadgets are a detriment to society. How many times have you seen people out to dinner together taking phone calls, texting, and playing video games at the table instead of interacting. And god-forbid you should have to have pleasant conversation with your child while driving cross-town when you can just turn on the DVD player. I am appalled at the anti-social behavior these devices encourage.

What's that you say? You're using most of these devices to socialize with others? That's great, but what about the people that are actually in the room with you? How about them?

What has brought this introspection on, you ask? I was trying to follow through and be kind and social by writing some fan mail. The family has been to two concerts this year and I think the artists would like to know that we enjoyed them. However, search as I might, I could not find a snail-mail address for anyone I wanted to contact. It's all facebook, twitter, and myspace crap. Like I know how to do that! I just wanted to write you a damn letter telling you how much I enjoyed your damn show. Why does the internet have to be involved?

Which led me to the conclusion that electronic gadgets are slowly killing old-timey common courtesy. And I find it highly amusing that when I spell check this story, the words the computer's spell checker doesn't recognize are all game and internet related. How's that for irony?


Moral of the story: There are times and places to be 'plugged in'. When you have real, live people in front of you, it ain't one of them times.

"A Shout Out"

So, it seems this is the time of year when people start to fall off of their new routines for the year. I know this is about the time last year that I said, 'Screw it, it'd rather eat cookies for breakfast!" So, I'm sending everyone some cyber encouragement.

The first round goes to Joey and Vesper, who tied the know this weekend. I hope you guys have many years of happiness. I'm just sorry to be the one to tell you...Luke and I are the happiest married couple I know, but I'll give you second place if you want!


The next round goes to my amazing sister. On Saturday she completed a 5 mile race. And she didn't suck! I have to say that she has so much going against her right now, that this is not just amazing, but super colossal. I wish I was closer so I could meet her at the finish line, in my wonderful sparkly shoes, and cheer her on like she just won the Boston marathon. If not in body, then at least hear that in your head every time you finish a great run! You so totally rock!


The next round goes out to my hottie husband. He started an exercise routine at the beginning of the year and has stuck with it. He looks fabulous, although I'm not sure I'm letting anyone else see him! We all know it's not easy to take care of yourself when you have a family and a full-time job. He's taken the time and we all love the results. Keep it up and I'll be writing about you and not Matthew McConaughey!


And my final shout out for today goes to me. I am surrounded by success stories and I still haven't given up. Yay, me! It would be much easier to roll over and go back to sleep for an hour instead of going out and walking my measly 2.4 miles every morning. I've even gone so far as to get those dorky Nordic walking poles to help a girl out. Whatever works.

Moral of the story: Sometimes success is measured in small increments. And sometimes it's measured by the act of getting out of bed and starting all over again. Yay for all of us that are dressed today!

"My Shoes Rock!"

So, I'm going to be 38 at the end of the month. No, my age doesn't bother me. However, my lack of cool footwear did.

When I was high school/college age, I had a BAZILLION shoes. Lots of kinds and colors; a shoe for every occasion. I had the same shoe in several colors. Shoes for church, school, after school, date night, and just for fun. However, as I got older, it seems I purchased more conservative footwear conducive to work life, and fewer fun shoes. It seems black and brown were the only colors I was allowed to have after the age of 30. Don't get me wrong, I love my flip flops, Berks, and tennis shoes. It's just that occasionally I would like something with a little more pizzazz. I was in need of a casual shoe that screamed "I belong to Pam!"

So, for my birthday, I asked Luke and the kids to get me some fun, sparkly kind of everyday shoe. Luke said no. He wasn't buying me footwear for my birthday. He puts this in the same category as buying me a vacuum. Smart man, except when it's something that I really want. He suggested that if I wanted new shoes, I just go out and buy them. This would seem reasonable, if we hadn't just instituted new buying rules at our house in an effort to me more fiscally responsible. So it wasn't a solution I was willing to pursue. I thought my dream shoes were just that, a dream.

Then, along comes mom. She calls and, thinking she's being a smart ass, asks if there's anything I would like for my birthday. For the first time since I was 12, I had an answer ready! I wanted sparkly shoes! Needless to say, she was flabbergasted. And of course, sparkly shoes? What do you mean, sparkly shoes? Are we talking Dorothy’s ruby red slippers, or what? But being the trooper mom is, she offered to take me shopping.

Enter my sister. We recently had a sisters' weekend. As any good sisters' weekend should, we went shopping. We were at one of my favorite stores, Kohl's. (You thought I was going to say Target, didn't you!) We went to the shoe department, like all good women do. And we found my shoes! Let me tell you all about them.

We saw a display that beckoned like ice cream on a hot day. As we approached, we were mesmerized by the sparkles on display. We found not one type of sparkly shoe, not two types, but three types to choose from. These were all a fabulous ked-style sneaker. They were actually Sketchers. In the kids' department. I am a lucky, lucky girl that I have a small enough foot to wear the bigger sizes in the kids' department. I tried on all those sparkly shoes. I ooohed and aahhhed with the best of them. The sales ladies were definitely entertained by the selection process, and in the end a pair of sparkly Twinkle-toe Sketchers were purchased for me, by my sister, for my mom to give me for my birthday. And the best part? THEY LIGHT UP!

Yes, folks, that's right. My new shoes have LED lights. My new shoes have pink glitter, jewels on the toes, colorful paint all over them, shiny silver shoe laces, and LED lights that go off when I walk, skip, hop, or jump. And they were exactly what I wanted and I love them. Even if the only other people I know that own my shoes aren’t old enough to drive.

When you shop for shoes in the kids’ department, you have to expect some kids to have your shoes. Well, my four-year-old niece informed me that “Hannah in my class has those!” And my little Brownie Sarah tells me that two of the girls in her troop has those shoes exactly. This in no way detracts from my enjoyment of my new shoes. In fact, I finagled it so that I could get my shoes early. I had an ‘event’ to go to, and I wanted to wear my new shoes.

Mom and dad came down a few weeks before my birthday to baby-sit for us while Luke and I had an adult evening out. We went to see a comic. And I wore my new shoes! I jumped, hopped, and bounced all the way to the venue. I was pointed at while I stomped up each and every stair on the way to our seats. I made sure to stamp my feet at least 5 times during the show so my lights would go off. And I did the funky chicken stamp dance on the way back to the car at the end of the evening. I am willing to bet that I am the only one out of the 2,600 people that were there wearing LED shoes. I’m also willing to bet no one there had as much fun that evening because of their footwear!

Since then, I have worn my shoes out a few other times. I must be careful not to wear them on a wet day, or to any place to yucky. I love my shoes and want them to stay nice for as long as possible. Every time adults notice my feet, they comment. And then when I stomp to show them the lights, they look at me like I have escaped from an insane asylum. I LOVE these shoes!

Moral of the story: Everyone should have footwear that makes them smile. Mine makes me cackle like a loon. Come into my closet, I’ll show you!